


"Never do that again"

by The1stSonatinerider



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Adrenaline, Angst, Crying, Drowning, Fainting, Hurt/Comfort, Men Crying, My second work, Near Death Experience, OT8, Panic, Running, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, fluff at the end, please give me feedback, self-depreciating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29560212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The1stSonatinerider/pseuds/The1stSonatinerider
Summary: In which Hyunjin makes a mistake.
Kudos: 17





	"Never do that again"

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the cheesy plot  
> also available on Quora: https://www.quora.com/q/fwmpidssghtunlqx/Never-do-that-again-TW

It was freezing outside. Not a single light was to be seen with only the dim moon shining on the road. The wind softly blew strands of his hair out of his face that he was too tired to remove as his feet sauntered over the empty street. It was 2 at night and Hyunjin could see the damp of his own breath whenever he breathed out; he had to hurry home before he’d freeze to death. He tried to speed up his pace but unfortunately, it was of no use as his legs refused to coordinate together with his brain. He remained at the same snail’s pace as he started shiver and it seems like the wind had also turned itself against Hyunjin as it began to blow harder and he had to close his eyes against the force. When he opened them once again his face formed a cracky smile as he saw their dorm only a few meters away. This time, it seemed as if the joy had given him extra strength, Hyunjin’s legs nearly flew him towards their house. Hurriedly, he fished the keys out of his pocket and tried to pry open the door as quietly as possible.

That plan was long lost after the door made a glaring sound whilst opening it. If the members themselves wouldn’t oil it, then Hyunjin would do it himself since he was sick of having his mission impossible plan fail every single time. He stepped inside and had prepared himself for the scolding of his hyungs due to his late arrival once again but to his surprise, no light flickered on and no footsteps were to be heard. Hyunjin stood frozen in place for nearly 5 minutes until he concluded that nobody had been alerted by the sound. Slowly, as if he were in an ASMR video, he took off his shoes and jackets and slowly placed his duffle bag with clothes on the couch. He tiptoed to his shared bedroom and opened the door. He peaked through the crack and saw how Seungmin and Lee Know were peacefully laying on their beds, lee Know was even mumbling something undecipherable and it made Hyunjin smile through his shiver. He bended down to his bunk and grabbed the clothes that had been lying there since the morning, Hyunjin didn’t really care if he slept in pajamas, he didn’t sleep much at all so it wouldn’t make a difference. He was nearly back in the hallway when he heard a voice crack saying: “Hyunjin hyung-..” He froze in his tracks, he slowly turned around on his heels to see Seungmin staring at him with teary eyes.

Seungmin had heard Hyunjin’s arrival and wanted to whisper something to his elder but when he saw the older dancer still sleeping peacefully, he decided to drop that. The members had been worried for Hyunjin for a couple of weeks now, the boy had been coming home later and later and started locking himself up in the bathroom sometimes up to 3 hours. Not only that but it seemed as if Hyunjin was slowly dying, not physically but he didn’t have that same spark in his eyes anymore and he seemed to smile less as the days passed. Seungmin’s head began to travel to the darkest of thoughts until he heard Hyunjin entering the bedroom. He decided to keep quiet for the most part until he couldn’t bear his pain alone anymore. He felt so weak when he heard his voice crack. Hyunjin had silently rushed over and was now cupping the younger boy’s face with his hands. “What’s going on with my Seungminnie?” normally Seungmin would have adored that nickname but now, it pushed him over the edge. “It’s just that we’re worried for you Hyunjin, you never seem to smile anymore and you always come home late and-” Seungmin was cut off by Hyunjin who wiped away a tear that had started rolling down the younger boy’s face and said: “Don’t worry about me, you should put your health first. I’ll make sure that I’ll change for the better.” Hyunjin went out the door again but was apprehended by Seungmin one last time: “Please come back soon, I want to hug you.” and with that, Hyunjin left the bedroom with a fake smile plastered across his face.

The bathroom door closed behind him as he dropped to sit against the wall. This wasn’t the first time that Hyunjin had fled sleep to sit in the bathtub for hours. Being weightless in the water had always felt better than sleeping for him and recently, he had been doing it every night of the week. He’d come home at an unreasonable hour, get scolded for being late and then hide in the bathroom until the morning sun rose. He was scared of the confrontation that he’d meet if anyone found out that he’d spend his time in bed staring at the ceiling. The bath had been his escape from the bad thoughts which clouded his mind during the day and he’d been happy with the tiny shelter he’d created for himself. Hyunjin slowly took off his clothes and then turned to the mirror, his head barely touching the edge of it. He was shaking from the cold and looked like he was gong to break any moment. “What have I become?” he whispered, looking at only the shell of what was once Hwang Hyunjin. He turned on the tap and turned it all the way to his left. Hyunjin hated cold bad as he called them “baths for losers”. There was nothing fun about being surrounded by ice cold water when it was the middle of the winter and he just ignored all of Bang Chan’s medical pleads about how he’ll “die” if he goes “too far”. “too far my ass” he thought and he scoffed at the memories of the overprotective leader warning him for danger. The bathroom had gradually filled itself with layers of thick steam and the bathtub was nearly full when Hyunjin was hit by a wave of bad thoughts.

Those voices in your head, those that pull you apart. Those that are always there and never seem to stop. Those that have nothing positive to say. Those that haunt you during the quietest hours of the night just to make your eyes stay open until the moon has disappeared. Those that only remember the bad memories and push the darkness to dim all the light that was left. Yes, those voices.

Hyunjin came back to reality when he felt his feet getting wet and he looked up to see that the bathtub was overflowing. He quickly turned off the tap and cleaned the sides of the tub. When he got back up, he was hit by a sudden wave of dizziness that nearly caused him to fall against the sink but he regained stability. His common sense was letting alarms go off in his head but those were too foggy compared to the drilling voices that told him how he was not worth all the pain he had been giving to Seungmin. The persistently louder voice encouraged him to hop in the tub to forget everything. They told Hyunjin that he should stop with everything since it seemed like even the fans would rather throw him away than see him another day. The final thought that yelled out for him to die pushed him over the edge as he nearly threw himself into the warm water. That’s when he felt something was off, very off. He felt the same feelings that he had felt once when his legs were too tired to carry on with dance practice and the other 2 members of the dance line had to drag him out of the room. That feeling that Chan had described to him right before the elder had fainted. Black dots began to rapidly cover his field of vision as he felt his body go limp in the water. No, this couldn’t be the end, he didn’t want to die this miserable death. He had so many things left to do but it seemed as if his mind had decided that he had to leave. In less than a second he thought about all the ones he loved dearly and how he wanted to live to see them again. His mind was fighting with the biggest force he had ever experienced but it was to no use, Hyunjin felt his face going underwater and the last thing he heard was the front door being opened.

Chan woke up to an all too familiar sound: His computer shutting down because of lack of battery. He stared at the black screen for a couple of minutes trying to get the sleep out of his body. He couldn’t remember when he had fallen asleep in his chair once again but he would be lying to himself if he said that it didn’t feel fine to rest for once. He had been struck with a bad case of writer’s block but was still stubborn and wasted himself in the recording studio. That thought reminded him of Hyunjin, the poor boy would dance until his legs would give out and Chan already feared that he had to carry Hyunjin home again tonight. He began packing his bag as he tried to shake off a certain feeling of dread that had washed over him. He didn’t know where it came from but he felt anxious, as if something bad was bound to happen. The producer threw his bag over his shoulder and looked one last time at the now empty studio. So many years of his life had been spent here, it was nearly unbelievable. He thought about the times that he had enjoyed together with his fellow bandmates but even those couldn’t stop that anxious feeling to cling even more onto him.

Bang Chan poked his head through the door of their dance practice room to find the lights to be turned off and the room to be empty. He smiled; Hyunjin was home. Bang Chan couldn’t remember when the last time was that Hyunjin came home earlier than him and was pleased with the thought of the younger being fast asleep. He turned around on his heel as he felt his heart clench for a second. It made his eyes widen and he put a hand over it to calm him down. This wasn’t normal, Bang Chan knew that there was a present heart disease in his family but his mind told him that that wasn’t the cause of his pain. It was rather fear, but what type of fear? He questioned himself. He began taking deep breaths as he closed his eyes; it didn’t help. All he could see were flashing visions of the bathroom in their dorm. He saw Hyunjin in a filled bathtub looking at him with a sad expression. That’s when Chan realized:

Hyunjin was a ghost.

Bang Chan didn’t know where this energy came from but in the blink of an eye, he was rushing down the stairs of the JYPE building and was now running down the street at an immense speed. Even during the athletic championships that had been organized at his school he had never run as fast as he did now. His feet were carrying him to the dorm whilst his mind was still trying to process what was clearly happening. The thought: “Get home” circled in his head and it even got to a point where his head began to hurt from the never-ending chant. His legs were begging him to stop running but the sight of a blue Hyunjin made him press further than he thought he ever could. Bang Chan had worried about his members before, it was a natural instinct of his to worry about people even when they weren’t in danger. He had sometimes been anxious when he didn’t clearly know where his members were or how they were doing but it never got to the point that he was sprinting himself into nearly getting a heart attack. When he finally reached their dorm door, his vision swam as he heavily leaned on the front wall with one hand. The rational part of his brain told him to sit down and that he would die if he stood up any longer but he stood there panting for a few seconds, wiped the sweat off his forehead and opened the front door as quietly as he could.

All lights were turned off but he could see a beam of light coming from under the bathroom door. He clumsily took off his shoes and fell hardly on his back and he began groaning in pain. Bang Chan sat upright and rubbed the aching part of his back, it wasn’t enough to fully stop the pain but it surely was enough for the adrenaline to come back in his blood. It flowed 10 miles an hour and he threw his jacket on the ground but suddenly shivered as a harsh gust of window hit his bare muscular arms. The thought of Hyunjin having to walk through that cold winter’s air motivated his legs to carry himself to the bathroom. He hesitated for a moment, thinking whether it’d be a good idea to disturb Hyunjin during his late night baths. The last time Chan had tried to make a late night excursion to the bathroom he’d been yelled at by the younger for disturbing the peace and he had to hold it in all night. Bang Chan sighed heavily, he wanted to get rid of this feeling that was nearly destroying him and seeing Hyunjin would most likely chase it away. He knocked on the door and said: “Hyunjin-ah”. No response. Bang Chan’s heart skipped a beat as he knocked on the door again, this time louder as he said: “Hyunjin, if you aren’t answering I will enter the bathroom now!” He mentally crossed his fingers and hoped for the younger boy to let out a whine to the threat but after another few seconds of silence, he yanked the door open.

The sight that met his eyes would be horrifying for every k-pop leader: Hyunjin lay in the bathtub with only his left hand hanging out of it lifeless, his face was fully underwater. Bang Chan sprinted the tiny distance from the door to the bathtub and easily picked Hyunjin up from the bathtub, Chan didn’t mind that his outfit got wet at all, all he cared about was if Hyunjin would respond to his calls. He placed the dancer on the cold tiles, maybe not the most comfortable but it was the current best option. He wanted to cry at the sight of an unconscious, maybe not breathing Hyunjin. But instead of crying, he put that energy into letting out frantic calls for the younger’s name until I.N sheepishly walked into the hall and peaked inside the bathroom. The sleep had disappeared in mere seconds as the maknae bolted to his bedroom, already crying. “I.N-ah what’s going o-.” Lee Know said as he also came to find where the commotion was coming from but froze in place when he saw what their leader was doing. “Go and comfort the others. Get Changbin.” Bang Chan spoke stiffly as he was still shaking the dancer beneath him. Changbin rushed over with phone in hand: “Do I need to call an ambulance?” Chan could see that the other producer was close to shattering and said: “Not yet, but stay on standby.”

Bang Chan looked down at Hyunjin once again, the younger looked dead. The adrenaline in Bang Chan made him doubt his upcoming action. Would he want to listen to an all too familiar sound that would change his life or would he hear the cold nothingness of death? Slowly but surely, he placed his ear on the place where Hyunjin’s heart would normally be located. One seconds there was silence. Two there was silence. At the third second Bang Chan felt like the tears would slip but then he felt it. And he felt it again. Those tears of sadness quickly turned into tears of happiness as two rolled down both his cheeks. But he knew that crying victory too earlier wouldn’t be a good option, there was still one obstacle left in his way to reassurance: Whether air escaped Hyunjin’s body or not. Chan placed his big hand under Hyunjin’s nose and fully smiled when he felt the same usual breaths hit against the back of his palm. “I-is h-he alright-t?” Changbin stuttered. “Yeah, yeah he is” Chan panted again as the adrenaline began leaving his bones only to leave behind a feeling of exhaustion. He wanted to say something to Changbin but was cut off immediately by an annoyed groan coming from Hyunjin. The latter flustering his eyes open in confusion.

The last thing Hyunjin remembered was going underwater, not laying on the cold bathroom floor with a purple headed figure looming above you. “Is this heaven?” he questioned himself, but he soon brushed that thought away when he realized angels aren’t purple. “Maybe I’m in hell.” he questioned that’s when he got a mean remark from the back of his head claiming: “Exactly where you belong.” Hyunjin burst in tears immediately and wanted to hide from the world at that moment. Slowly, his hearing came to as well and he heard the angel or devil or whatever creature had taken custody of him asking him: “Hyunjin-ah can you hear me?” It began to annoy him so he responded: “Yeah, yeah no need to yell at me ugh.” The monster above him let out an all too familiar laugh, one that Hyunjin had known since the start of his trainee days, one that would always calm him down during the bad times: Chan’s laugh. Hyunjin suddenly gained this unexplainable newfound energy and launched himself up to cling onto Chan’s t-shirt like a lifejacket. He started to sob even louder but he didn’t find the normal comfort that Chan would give. Normally he’d be locked in tight by the elder’s grip but this time it felt as if he was clinging onto a broomstick. He looked up from Chan’s neck to see the leader nearly crying and Hyunjin could perfectly read his mind. ‘No, it’s not that. I would never do that. It was just an accident.” Hyunjin said, ready to go back to his previous position when he suddenly felt himself being squished by Bang Chan in the warmest hug ever. “Never do that again, do you hear me? You scared us.” Bang Chan and Hyunjin hugged each other even tighter and they completely melted in each other’s touches. Feelings of warmth, happiness and joy filled the cold bathroom tiles as they were both letting out rivers of happy tears. Finally, Changbin broke this trance of happiness when he stated: “I think we should tell the others the good news.” the boy tried to sound mature but saw that his attempt failed as the two in front of him let out soft laughter. Normally, he would break out in protest at them making fun of him but this time, it nearly made him cry to see Hyunjin returning to his old self. Not only the one before he went to the bathroom but the one he remembered meeting all those years ago.

Once Hyunjin had clothed himself he wanted to dart towards the bedroom but was stopped when he realized his legs were not in for cooperation. Luckily, he was surrounded by the two strongest members of the group and they lifted him up with ease. They slowly made their way towards the bedroom and the sight in front of them was heartbreaking: Lee Know had taken I.N to sit on the elder’s lap and was putting a hand through his hair to comfort the younger boy. Seungmin was also serving as comfort for I.N and was rubbing the younger’s back. Felix clung onto his other September twin Han like a koala whilst he was crying his heart out. Han was numb. He couldn’t process what was happening. Just that day he and Hyunjin had been making jokes, laughing and cackling because of stupid things in life and now, he was probably dead. The dark thoughts were still clouding his head and he felt the life draining from himself. That’s when he saw a long, skinny arm petting I.N. He followed the hand up to the the dark fabric of a sweater all the way up to long strands of dark hair and a warm face trying to stop the youngest’ cries. Without hesitation, Han pulled Hyunjin into him and would refuse to let the older boy go. Normally, Han would have a feeling of relief but now, all he felt was more anxiety filling his body as he was constantly reminded of what I.N had told him. The latter had burst into his bedroom and was wailing about how Hyunjin was going to lose his life. At first, Han believed that his mind was fooling him but when he heard Lee Know whispering words such as: “nobody’s going to die tonight. He’ll be okay.” Han froze up. Panic had filled him but he couldn’t cry, his mind was too pre-occupied with letting the memories play one by one, like a movie. He had sat there with Felix, he was supposed to give strength to others but was incapable of doing so as he watched him scold Hyunjin over his rapping for the 10th time.

Han finally broke as Hyunjin was mumbling soft reassurances to him. “H-hyung, I missed you already. I want you back.” Han said as he started sobbing. “I think we should talk.” Chan said as he positioned himself on the bed as well. Han swallowed down his tears together with feelings of sadness, replacing them with relief as he nodded in agreement.

Hyunjin sighed as he began telling about those voices. He told his members how they started as faint whispers a couple of weeks ago but they steadily had built up their efforts in hurting him. He tried to ignore those voices but in the end he couldn’t but he didn’t dare to come clean to his members out of fear that they’d think that he had gone crazy. Hyunjin described whatever he felt during those moments. They were unpleasant and made him feel like he was a toy that was being played with. As if nobody would care if something would ever happen to him, or at least, that’s what the voices had convinced him to think. “Hyunjin-ah,” Chan cleared his throat: “Everyone has those voices in their head. And it’s normal to have them. What made you think that we’d perceive you as a madlad?” Hyunjin swallowed down all his pride and ducked his head down in shame: “I don’t know… It seems like nobody on this earth ever understands me and dismisses me when I want to have a serious talk.” his response was filled with hums of agreement. Everyone in the group could relate to that statement, they’d always been told to possess a certain persona once faced in front of a camera and sometimes they lost their “real” selves in the glitter and glamour. “You know, if you’re ever lost we have our door wide open for you. We might be called Stray Kids but that doesn’t mean that we won’t help you find your way. I think that every one of us is currently lost with the amount of work that is lying ahead us but in the end, we’ll all find our way back. No matter how hard it is, we’ll go up to the penthouse.” Changbin said, Hyunjin thought that he would burst into tears once more due to the older rapper’s emotional monologue when Chan exclaimed: “I think that’s the cure for my writer’s block!” everyone started laughing at that statement and it made the cold winter night turn warm and pleasant.

BONUS (for Kyle themselves)

All members had positioned themselves on the bed and were fast asleep. the only sound filling the room was the soft snorting of I.N and Jisung mumbling lyrics from his newest song “Alien”. Well, not everyone had drifted off into a peaceful slumber, Hyunjin was still wide awake and stared at Chan as the events of the 2 hours before were on loop in his head. Like a broken record he saw Chan’s worried face thinking those dark thoughts. Hyunjin awoke from his trance when Bang Chan suddenly whispered: “Why aren’t you sleeping?” Hyunjin was slightly startled and nudged Felix’s head a little. “Chan, what if my heart stops beating tonight?” Hyunjin asked hesitantly. “It won’t.” “But what if it does?” at that, Chan sighed and cautiously moved himself over to Hyunjin, guiding Felix out of the dancer’s lap and replacing himself with the other Australian. “If it does, then we’ll notice. Even before it’s the end. I’ll protect you no matter what comes along our way.” Hyunjin nuzzled himself deeper into the muscular arms of Chan. As he felt his eyelids drooping Chan said one other thing before taking off to dreamland: “We’re brothers, maybe not by blood but we feel each other. We know each other’s pain and without one member of our team, we’d lose that special connection of”

8 boys

8 hearts

8 souls

The end

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my second work on this website. I'm not that proud of it but it'll do just fine  
> Listen to "so Bad" by STAYC as a reward: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMe1c4UegBY


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